"It's hard to write with a broken heart. It's even harder to write when you are pretending that your heart isn't breaking, that things are good, that things are just as they should be. It's hard because a writer can't pretend very well when it is just between the writer and the what's needing to be written.
"Usually I wait. Usually I delay putting it all down until the feeling has passed, and I can morph my healing heart into lessons learned or challenges accepted. Not this time. Because the heartbreak I am feeling has created in me such a sense of self-doubt that I no longer trust I will come out of it. I can no longer trust that I will be better off after the heartbreak has subsided. I can no longer trust."
I wrote those words in early 2016, around the time I had made final decision to end my 15 year marriage to a volatile and controlling partner. I had already given an extra year and a half beyond my initial consultation with a divorce attorney in half-hearted hopes that things would improve.
Are you happy?
Three words.
The Facebook Messenger conversation about Brexit had abruptly derailed onto a very raw subject, but without hesitation, I answered truthfully about what I was undertaking. Other than my attorney, Glenn Eric Tornow was the first person to know I had filed for divorce.
At a time when I truly believed that I would never trust again, I instinctively trusted Glenn.
We always know what we must do, even if we are reluctant to begin.
When I read the words that spilled out of me that afternoon, I recognize a woman who had finally broken. I felt crushed beyond repair. Because for too long, I had allowed another human being to dim the light inside of me and tell me that I wasn't good enough just being who I am. I had compromised too long, placated too long, numbed my mind and heart and soul for too long in service to a caustic, painful narrative created by someone else.
I vowed I would never allow it to happen again.
Having supper with lifelong friends that first summer, after many years apart, was reminder enough that I was reemerging. Kari made me look her in the eyes and repeated emphatically, with growing intensity, "You're back. YOU are back. YOU...are...BACK!" At which point, she made some sort of threatening gesture about what would happen if I ever "went away" from myself again. Stacy quietly nodded her approval of my potential garroting.
Are you happy?
So much has transpired since that conversation with Glenn. We fell in love almost immediately, and sprinted toward our life together. Along the way, there were those that warned we were doing it all wrong. Too much too soon would be the end of us. We should slow down and be more restrained.
True, it hasn't always been pretty.
In the year since I moved to Denmark, we have experienced business issues, financial issues, custody issues, kid issues, separation issues, and some heartbreaking disappointments. In spring, I miscarried. In summer, we postponed our wedding because "ex" issues prevented my daughter and son from joining us. More than once, we pulled each other back from the brink of relationship failure, when stress and tempers got in the way of who we are to each other.
Are you happy?
Every day we live the challenges of building this life together: combining households, cultures, languages, finances, and families.
Am I happy?
Happy is just a mood. Moods can change based on external circumstances.
Are you happy? Are you content? Do you love your life? Are you satisfied with your choices?
Soon comes Christmas again, followed by another New Year and the obligatory list of resolutions. The business of holiday celebrations is already overtaking these quiet moments of reflection.
But it is important for me to share these thoughts now before we embark upon another calendar year. Because this very personal, sometimes very public, journey has been as much about remembering who I once was as accepting who I have become. It is another way to honor my vow to never again let my inner light be stifled.
Yes, Glenn. I am happy.
So, thank you.
For reminding me to never give up. You are the very best example of resourcefulness and resilience in the face of adversity. You are my hero.
For sometimes stepping back when things have been difficult between us, but for never stepping away. You are my constant.
For loving me at my worst, but always believing in my best. You are my sweetest love.
For creating in your heart and in our life, a safe space in which I can heal and rediscover the person I am meant to be. You are my strength.
Above all, thank you for trusting in me. And for teaching me to trust again. You are my patience.
I wake up every morning knowing life is filled with possibility.
I live every day knowing I get to share my life with you.
Yes, Glenn. I am very happy.
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| Celebrating USA Fourth of July, in Denmark 2017 |
